Saying Never

The saying goes “Never say never” but I can most certainly say never to a bunch of things which I will most certainly never do unless under hypnosis or at the point of a gun.

For instance I will never:

  • Bungee jump: I am terrified that my legs would tear right off and I have seen too many You Tube videos where the jump goes wrong; the cords snaps or the cord is too long, resulting in the adventurer being splattered on the rocks at the bottom;
  • Wear white boots with colourful leggings: my fashion sense is better than that thank you very much!
  • Enhance my boobs: No! Why increase the chances for breast cancer when a wonder bra would do wonders!
  • Eat snake: in this case, the term should be “I hope I’ll never” rather than “I will never.”  My mother tricked me once with fish soup.  I asked specifically if she used eel and she said that no mackerel was in there.  I ate happily in my innocence.  Helping with the dishes later I opened a pot and found a coiled eel, slimy and glistening, wrapped around itself at the bottom of the pot.  I went in shock for a full quarter of an hour and puked after that.  Now that reaction came from an eel –  a fish – imagine my reaction to an actual real life (or cooked) snake.  I would probably tear my insides out.
  • Drink absinthe again: I only had this drink once, a few weeks ago in fact.  I was on a diet and so no alcohol was allowed.  Out clubbing on a Saturday night this became quite difficult.   I decided instead to have just one drink that would be strong enough to possibly get me drunk.  This was very optimistic as I had cultivated quite a tolerance over my non-calorie-counting years. So I chose absinthe. Many say it is strong, high in alcohol content and capable of that kick.  I drank the liquid that smelled of liquorish.  The taste was pleasant at first, maybe for the first half a second.  Then it turned to fire.  It stuck in my mouth.  I was unable to swallow for five whole seconds. I held on to the table for support, making a gargantuan effort not to spit it out.  I swallowed the inferno that was raging in my mouth eventually only to shift the searing pain to my throat, then to my chest as the liquid made its very slow descent down my digestive system.  I was sore till the next day.
  • Watch the whole Twilight saga in one night: I tried. I got to the second movie.  I am sorry all you Twilight fans out there but I abandoned the effort when the wolf took off his shirt one too many times when the expressionless heroine fell off a bike and hit her head at one point.  Seriously! She had a tiny trickle of blood on her head.  He took off his shirt – not to wipe off the blood as I thought at first – but just to show off his abs which he somehow acquired between movie one and two – along with puberty, I think.

Okay, my list is not too long, but it just goes to show that you can say never.

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