I watched him as his hardened eyes focused on the screen; men in camo covered in dust, a mike shoved under their unwilling mouths, replying to questions in a rehearsed monotone. Colour abandoned his face, shriveled out of him like water from a sponge forgotten in the sun. A hundred condolences rushed to my tongue, none adequate. I stepped forward instead, and placed my hand on his shoulder. But his eyes, now red, never left the TV, his mind wondering only of the son he’d lost; the one standing next to him a mere presence trespassing on his grief.
This is in response to Trifecta’s challenge:
Color: complexion tint:
a : the tint characteristic of good health
I changed it to the British version, but the word is still there, up for your critique. Thanks for reading.
Wow. The first things that jump out to me are “…like water from a sponge forgotten in the sun” and the painful realization the character has in that last sentence, a sort of double tragedy. Well done
Your comment gave me goosebumps! Thanks Brian.
This was beautifully written and full of emotion. I really like the last part, “a mere presence trespassing on his grief.”
That’s my favourite part too *blush* Thanks a lot for your comment, Janna.
All said in previous two comments. Amazing writing and my heart sunk with the last line feeling the unseen child’s “invisibility”.
Thank you, Maggie, I’m glad you liked it.
That last phrase is great. So sad.
Thank you for your comment Maggie.
I mean wow. This is one of the best things I’ve ever written. It’s haunting and chilling and sad and true. I loved every part.
So kind! Thanks a lot Megan.
This is so strong. Especially the, “Colour abandoned his face, shriveled out of him like water from a sponge forgotten in the sun.”
I’m glad you liked it, Tracie. Thank you.
His pain is so vivid and real in your words. This is a very strong piece.
Thank you Draug 🙂
So poignant and tragic, the emotions in this piece raw and heartbreaking.
I really appreciate your comment, Tara, thank you.
Colour abandoned his face, shriveled out of him like water from a sponge forgotten in the sun. What a great line. The last line is also amazing. Well done.
Thanks a lot Paula, glad you liked it.
This has quite the emotional punch. It hits close to home for so many families. Great job with the prompt.
Thanks for linking up.
Thank you Trifecta.
This is powerful and moving. You really convey your character’s inner trumoil. Great writing.
Thanks a lot Lumdog, I really appreciate your comment.
I agree the last line carries so much weight when you realize that a father lost a child but two children lost a father. This literally raised goosebumps on my arms. Lovely and tragic.
I’m happy to hear about the goosebumps 😉 Thank you for your comment Jennifer.
powerfully sad – sometimes surviving children are left to feel awkward and guilty for it. In this case, the tragedy is obviously magnified among the visible horror of being able to revisit evidence of the incident as you’ve described it here.
Thank you Jody 🙂
Triple whammy of the abandonment of color, sibling and parental notice! Excellent.
Such a sad moment. You describe the look of heart shattering loss perfectly. And the sudden feeling of insignificance experienced by the other son.
Oh how sad!We humans have a tendency to forget the living in the wake of the dead,irrespective of how we treated the dead when they were alive!A heart rending tale of double tragedy on two sides-well done Sandra:-)
So terribly sad and spare.