Tag Archives: Humour

The Land of Opportunities

‘Your mama is so fat, that—’
A long, low booing resonated from the audience.
‘Okay! okay…Have you ever heard of the koi who was coy with his wife?’
‘Get off the stage!’
‘No, no wait…Okay; man walks in a bar—‘
Whizz. Glass shattered on the stage.
Damian ran out of the theatre for his life. He sat in the dark alley next to the backstage door analyzing the scribbled list in front of him.
‘Garbage Collector’ was next.
A man’s voice startled him; ‘How much for half an hour?’
Damian froze for a second, then shrugged. No reason ‘Male Prostitute’ shouldn’t be on that list.

koi

Copyright – Douglas M. MacIlroy

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For Trifecta and Friday Fictioneers. Two in one; economizing in this economy.  The word given by Trifecta is: BOO – 3 (verb) to show dislike or disapproval of someone or something by shouting “Boo” slowly. Friday Fictioneers, on  the other hand, gave us the lovely picture above.

Three Very Serious Sheep

‘Jack-ass!’ Angie spat before the last of the shattered head-lamps crumbled onto the ground.

She jumped out of the car frothing at the mouth.

‘You bitch!’ was how she was greeted by the other driver whose face was a similar shade of puce as Angie’s was.

The red Porsche she had hit was complete with waxed metal, platinum rims and two tail lights sprinkled on the ground like fine fairy dust.

It wasn’t her fault though.  There she was minding her own business, when a five-seater Mitsubishi passed by with three sheep packed at the back of it going ‘Beh!’ Continue reading →

A Summoning

Summer, you cruel devil, are you not done with me yet? Have my offerings in bucketfuls of sweat not been to your insatiable satisfaction?

Winter, you sweet thing, deliver me from this hell.

—

This was me tipping my hat at the seasons and, in so doing, answering the challenge the good people from Trifecta posed us this weekend:

Apostrophe: “A figure of speech in which some absent or nonexistent person or thing is addressed as if present and capable of understanding.”

Regarding my particular choice of Apostrophe…if you live were i do, where Summer lasts for eight whole months with daily temperatures of 35 degrees Celsius and humidity so high that the air you breath sticks to the sides of your nostrils and liquidates on its way down to your lungs…you would understand me better.

At the ‘Bwahhahhahhahha!!’ Mansion

church_and_tree-claire-fuller

Copyright -Claire Fuller

‘What! They left already?’

‘Yup.’

‘What happened? Was it Peter with his drop-the-ball-down-the-stairs trick?’

‘No, it was Rose.’

‘Rose!’

‘You know how she gets when Carter floats to the attic to chat up the new ghost…’

‘And Rose got jealous?’

‘Yes. Freaked out.  All the lights went berserk.  The mortals thought that it was cos the house was old, but then Carter started dancing with the new girl.’

‘And Rose saw?’

‘Yes. She went mental.  Crockery started smashing against the walls. Then she started wailing … The whole family was out of the door before Carter gave the new girl a second twirl.’

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When I first saw the picture posted by Rochelle for this week’s Friday Fictioneers, I was rushing out of work with my glasses already packed safely in my handbag.  I got a whole story going – title and all – by the time I got home.  Only now that I downloaded the picture have I realised that it is in fact a church. But the story was done by then and it refused to leave.  So there you have it and I hope you enjoy it.

Beesity

Copyright – Jennifer Pendergast

‘It’s the Beesity epidemic?’

‘The what?’

‘You know… what they were saying on the news the other day…the obesity epidemic that’s hit the bees!’

‘Oh! … What the hell is that?’

‘It doesn’t matter, just stay away from the damn things.  Charlie from work said that his mother’s cousin’s daughter was stung by one and it split her in half.’

‘Oh!’

‘If it comes anywhere near you just don’t move and stay calm.’

‘Oh! … OH! … Brady…?’

‘Yes, sweetie?’

‘Don’t panic…’

‘Why should I panic, sweetie?’

‘Do. Not. Move.’

‘Shit! Sweetie? … Sweetie? Where are you going? Sweetie!’

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For Friday Fictioneers.  Not particularly proud of my attempt this week, but it is what it is.  Hope you like it better than I do!

Procrastinate Ad Eternum

My writing process is in my title.  Procrastinate Ad Eternum. Yes, that’s me.

Why am I telling you this?

Because in this week’s Trifecta challenge we were asked to describe our writing process in three words.

Why?

Because one of the Trifecta editors has recently been lucky enough to have been present in the aura of Neil Gaiman, who happens to be my favouritest author in the whole wide word. In the Q&A that followed the reading of the Master’s third chapter of the new book The Ocean at the End of the Lane, the Reigning Monarch in Fictiondom was asked  “Can you tell us your writing process in three words?”

His Awesomeness replied, “Glare.  Drink tea.”

That was a cool and insightful question to ask the Conqueror of the Pen, and I wish it came to me when I met His Greatness at the 2011 Fringe Festival.  Alas, that is not how my rendezvous with my idol in fantasy fiction went.  And if you want to know how it did go, read on. Continue reading →

Satanist for a Day

goats_and_graves_3_randy_mazie

Copyright – Randy Mazie

When Boo decided to become a Satanist, Randy tagged along.  They bought themselves leather jackets and dog collars and prepared for the ritual. They had watched enough television to know how that went.

Full moon saw both youngsters at the cemetery dragging a bleating Sandy behind.  They found a marble tomb and took out the knife.  Then sat and stared at the goat.

‘I can’t do it, Boo! Me Pah’ll kill me!’

‘Grow some balls!’

‘Boo, I can’t!’

Boo gave out a grunt and snatched the knife, hiding his trembling fingers.

A twig snapped.

The young men were back at the barn faster than Sandy could bleat a reminder that she was still attached to the tree.

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When I saw this picture on Friday Fictioneers, I went, ‘Oh shit! How can I explain this one away!’ Then I thought and thought, and an idea did come to me, but I must confess, I couldn’t keep to the hundred word deadline this week; which is a pity because I’ve missed quite a few challenges in the past weeks! If you can offer any suggestions they are very welcome and I’ll edit as the comments come in 🙂

Page 7

metal work beanstalk

Copyright – David Stewart

 

‘What the hell happened here?’

‘I—I don’t know, boss! I followed all the instructions!’

‘Like hell you did; look at it!’

‘But I did, honest.  All the instructions on page six. “Throw the bean and pour water on it.”  I did just what the recipe says.’

‘What about page seven?’

‘…P—Page seven?’

‘The chant on page seven.’

‘I—Wh—’

‘You’re telling me that the reason I am now looking at a ladder instead of a beanstalk is that you opened the book, read the recipe and forgot to turn the page?’

‘I—’

‘Idiot!’

 

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Hello all! This little dialogue was triggered by the picture taken by David Stewart, chosen by Rochelle Wisoff and posted for Friday Fictioneers.  It’s been a while since I participated in this challenge and I missed it!  Hope you like it.